Conversations.

Conversations intrigue me, normal casual conversations about things that are not necessarily anyone in the rooms business. I would like to talk about Alabama with People or Kylie's nonexistent boyfriend, Jets and whatever intrigues them at that point. I just want to exist in the midst of people living, yep this totally sounds sad.

I told a Lady today that we should try to talk more.I don't know how I conjured that courage, maybe it was because she told me she totally gets my writing or because I really crave a conversation with a new mind.

It started my thought engine however making me realize I probably never really let myself have long term people for some life reason, everything I get is so short so I am to an extent terribly jealous and envious of people with long things(👾👾). Tendering this case makes me a hypocrite because to have and keep friends you need to go out, talk more but all I do is sit in my room and talk to myself when I'm outside.

I had a Beautiful Person in 300L, she let me flirt to my hearts content in a new restaurant, smile deep and hard on the streets, be a hoe and a nerd without judgements, I love her deeply, miss her terribly but might never know how to say Hi anymore.

I had someone beautiful in 100L ; her birthday was a couple of days ago, it hurt to not be able to say Hi, she made me laugh and feel wanted, I liked the precious moments spent.

I don't remember if I had anyone in 200L, you see its hard to remember these things when you have more Of your best moments with you, photographs and videos do justice I think but a greedy heart always wants more.

I have danced around, here is the point; I feel there is too much ugly and tired in a soul that Friendship has to be beautiful, amazing and a fucking roller coaster but I also think that we are part of the few unfortunate ones that never really makes friends not because we don't know how to but because a lot hurt us (I totally mean a lot of people but let's act like I don't🤗, I hurt people too so it is only fair I guess).

Point is, we never really stay for the long run anywhere, we move around with the wind and spread the little we have left to share when we can, to who we can and we just breathe. We might crave pictures tho, weird videos  too, something we can watch on days we feel dried up and smile because they are our precious moments with people other than ourselves.

I for one would like to know what is on the other side, what exists after you argue (I have been using fight for so long,I'm starting to forget I never throw punches) with someone you supposedly care about as a person, things like how many seconds till you call back, how many shots till all is forgiven, how many guilt trips till you decide something is worth more than something on the scale and truly smile with one another.

The most important question that plagues me is; how many talks till you confer the title 'FRIEND' on Tade with the big bumbum?  All the smiles you share in pictures are they Existing off- camera? , the love emojis are they truly stringed from your heart? These help me feel safe in a world of uncertainty, if I would ever call you a friend it is with all sincerity but do you laugh with me and about me? Don't get me wrong there are different types of about me laughter, this I know but when your friend turns their back and the mouths in the room wag, does yours too?

I totally digressed, I do not remember why I started writing this in the first place and what message I was trying to pass across but this is a long post and I like it.

Latom.

👾

P.s if you think I'm being in my feelings you are totally right, I guess.