How many minutes late to the party?

There's this "always late to the party" thing that constantly puts me in my feels, every *inserts an acceptable foul word* time. Everyone is figuring out what works for them, I'm fighting to forgive myself for getting mad at Sade for waking me from sleep 9years ago. 

Even on days I arrive early to the party, I leave right before Gryffin drops the beat and everyone goes into a frenzy. I am constantly in my head, thinking, processing, stuck in the past; at this point it almost feels like taking a circular stroll, like a personal hell with your demon in his feels and you're trying desperately to wipe some tears you really do not care about.

I'm never really at the party; days I walk in extremely interested my hype only lasts for a few minutes before boredom settles, boredom always comes with his uninterested neighbor who brings the chain of my mind and leaves me tied to my misery of thoughts.

I keep propounding theories however, last week I told him it was because I didn't love myself enough, some days ago I was very sure it was the lack of agbalumo in my system, today I can beat my chest that it is the blues before exam that I do not understand how to interpret it and has put me in my mind. This is the point I should say I don't really understand emotions, feelings and the likes, I think it is a new defense mechanism I have developed to cope or it's the other girl in me that flipped the switch, point is I never really understand how I should react to certain scenario's , Its like what am I supposed to do when I see an old friend I probably do not recognize because I haven't seen you in a while or I just never really looked at your face enough for it to register itself in some retentive box in my head;

Option 1:

Pull the guy move "Chairman/Boss/Baby(if you're feeling zimish) E don teh oo! How family? You have new hobbies now?"

Option 2: 

Pull the you move " Hey, how're you " , sprinkle a bit of hugs and loving kindness with a smile.

More often than not I pull a 2, Why? I'm in my head and I do not have enough time to precess excitement when I see you, so I just go with my safe option which statistics say makes me seem like a proud,uncaring person not like the oblivious, nice person I am deep down.

I think I have gone down another path, if you ever feel like this however this is my call to let you know you have partners in misery😂.