So, this is the end-time chaos.

I'm a tad bit stuck in titling this “this is what peace feels like at the edge of a cliff or this is the end-time peace” or something I don't remember at this point.

Looking back lockdown felt like the end of the world to me, with a lot of deaths and reasons to fear. 

I was so invested in my fear that I could feel it when it covered me up like a big blanket of anxiety, it was a big sheet of black with stars on it that gave me a taste of madness every time it covered me.

Still, I wrote. 

I woke up, went into my head, and wrote things. I wrote everything and nothing till I achieved a sense of calm in my head. 

I remember the first time I felt that calm, I had gone to check if the gates were properly locked and was walking back, for some reason I stopped a few steps to the apple tree and looked at the moon. 

It was beautiful.

It was so beautiful, clear, and lucid with the clouds dancing around it to a worship song too distinct for my brain to catch that I was hooked. 

I'm pretty blind without my glasses but on this night I saw a sight I will go back to on days I don't feel any more.

This night I walked in and wrote the first chapter of a story about the mind, soul, spirit that I am scared I might never be good enough to complete.

This night I gained an immortal sense of the feathery act. I was elevated and given a free pass to a type of high that stays with you forever.

The only problem is it doesn't stay forever.

You get consumed by life sometimes when you are back on the plains that it takes it from you and you do not realize until it is gone. 

Being the same after tasting this high is impossible. you will crave it like a church rat on its hunt for pennies or a crack addict searching for his quick fix of the day.

Why?

Just because.

I know it doesn't seem satisfactory as an answer but it is just because. 

Just because you have tasted a clarity that opened your thoughts to a whole other realm when you get tired of it here you will crave to go back. 

I apologize, that is trash.

You will need to go back.

Your mind is fixed on it now, your path has been distorted and you will be dammed if you miss out on all the calm crazy thoughts you could get there.

If you happen to meet me there, say your greetings and let us spit on graves with holy mouths for I take my leave now.

I take my leave to journey, so I can see that moon one more time and finish a book I never understood why I started and might never understand till I finish.